Dysfunction Like an Adult

Hello, dears!

Welcome to my first dysfunctioning post. None of that sappy stuff today. I’m going to try to work out a regular schedule at some point, but for today, no! I think that a solid format for these posts will involve if you’ve had time to plan for these decisions, or if these choices are being made last minute.

As a human being who works weekends but has friends who do not, I must say that I find myself in a lot of situations where I would really like to be social and participate in all the drinking going on. I would also prefer to not have a hangover and feel like crap in the morning. Wouldn’t we all? Well, it turns out I have a not super simple solution for myself and for you.

If you don’t care about my reasons, just skip the paragraphs and read the bold.

Method 1 – I know I’ll do this before I go do it. Long Term Prep

1. Learn. Your. Limits. I 100% believe that this is one of the most important things you should learn about yourself if you think you will ever drink in the history of your entire life. It means you can drink responsibly in any environment, not just the night before work. Knowing your limits means knowing what to drink proportionally to a situation and/or your desired level of inebriation. It also means knowing when you are in a dangerous situation. Do you feel ridiculously drunk after that one drink? Since you know your limits, that sounds like someone else is trying to fuck you over. Get loud and obnoxious and garnish all the attention you can, because you know you SHOULD NOT be this drunk.
2. Decide how drunk is appropriate for situations. Again, once you know your limits you can figure out how inebriated you want to be and how much you can drink and when you should stop. You should consider how drunk is cool in various settings. A friend’s wedding? Being drunk at the reception may be fun. Your mom’s second wedding? Tipsy is the maximum to not embarrass yourself – or whatever you decide. Parties? I personally like to be able to drive home at night, so I have a drink or two early and then maybe sip on something until about an hour before I’ll leave, but I understand for some people that’s probably doing the most.
3. Stick to your limits. It can be tempting to wiggle around what thresholds you’ve mentally set for yourself. I mean this as a rule in general.If a party is still going, or friends are still taking shots, or some other scenario where other people aren’t slowing down means you may want to keep going, too bad. DO NOT CONTINUE TO DRINK. I mean, you’re an adult, it’s your choice, but you decided what all your thresholds were for a reason. If your plans change, go ahead and change your drinking. Do not keep drinking and then change your plans, though. That’s actually a relatively unhealthy behavior.
4. Drink water and gatorade, my friend. It’s the night before work now, and let me tell you, hydration is important. A pretty solid contributor to hangovers is being dehydrated because of the alcohol and sugars in mixed drinks, etc. and not solely that you were drunk. Now water is not a cure-all, and it can only help so much. Seeing as you know your limits, though, and know how drunk is appropriate for this situation, you should understand that hydration is key and can make a difference in the morning, since you should not be getting shitfaced tonight.
5. Get some sleep. I highly suggest that you get at least 5 or 6 hours of sleep. I am not so naive as to think you would get a full 8 or 9, but really, getting some solid hours in is beneficial. It’s beneficial in general, but especially if you were drinking the night before.
6. Drink two glasses of water. Good morning, sunshine! Chances are that you still feel a little crappy, even if you don’t feel like you were hit by a train. While this particular step is anecdotal, I have found that it works wonders for me. Hydration is important, and even if you tried to keep an eye on your water the night before, listen friends, we tend to underestimate the amount we need to drink before bed to then wake up feeling hydrated. One glass is to hydrate, the other is to hydrate some more but also to help you wake up a little.
7. Take a lukewarm shower. Unless you woke up feeling pretty perky, this step is a solid one. While optional, having your shower be on the colder side really smacks your brain a little. I hate showers that are lukewarm or cold. I truly hate those showers. They also make me wake up, and once I’ve woken up a bit I can start to turn the heat up.
8. Eat breakfast. Probably eggs. I’m really hoping that since we drank responsibly last night, we aren’t about to lean over and hurl. Eat a small or medium breakfast, and maybe drink a gatorade. If you choose a smaller breakfast, bring a snack to have before lunch.
9. Go to work. You made this choice knowing that you had work. This means that since you knew, you still have to go.

So this is my little series for knowing you’ll probably drink the night before important things occasionally. I think that this method is the better one. I also know that we’re all imperfect and planning is lame and difficult. Here is my shakier, let’s do this tonight version.

Method 2 – Hell yeah, let’s do this. Last Minute Prep

You are gonna pee a lot, my friend. Adulting points for peeing clear!

The whole point of this one is that we get buzzed or tipsy at an appropriate rate for the setting, and then all we do is drink to maintain. Or stop, if you’d rather stop.

1. Eat some carbs and meat. A FULL STOMACH DOES NOT MEAN YOU CAN DRINK MORE. A full stomach slows down the rate that you’re metabolising alcohol. Since I am about to heavily suggest you don’t drink a lot, the speed at which you build that buzz is important. This means that you can eat, have some drinks or shots, and peak a little later, maybe drink some more. Knowing that it slows how drunk you get as opposed to preventing inebriation is very, very important to life but also to tonight. Let’s get turnt.
2. Drink a strong one. Your first drink gets to be a biggie, and also should be a biggie. Since we ate some carby goodness, having a strong drink earlier in the night is actually a good thing. Guess what? That’s because I suggest we don’t drink strong ones for much longer.
3. Drink a glass of water. Mhm. Oh yes. We’re going to hydrate after every. single. one. We are trying to prevent dehydration, which leads to hangovers, so do not skip this fucking step.
4. Wait a bit, then have another drink, but not quite as strong. We’re trying to build to a steady tipsy, but not tip in to drunk. The goal is to reach this before or just as a party or social setting really gets hype, because all that we’re going to do after that is maintain.
5. Drink some gatorade. HYDRATION! I love water and I will preach water, but there is something to be said for replenishing electrolytes I mean plants CRAVE them and whatever the hell else gatorade does. Drinking it the night before and not just the morning after can help.
6. If you KNOW your tolerance is higher than my own, have one more of the not-as-strong drinks. Drink another glass of water. If I have one strong one that I drink within about 20 minutes, and start a second strong or not quite as strong one after another 20 and also drink this one within about 20 minutes, by the end of this hour I’ll be tipsy. I’ve also been called a light-weight. Knowing your limits is important, but if you aren’t sure, ERR ON THE SIDE OF CAUTION. You’ll be fine.
7. Slow your roll OR Space out your shots. I’m not sure what your intake preference is, but either way, calm it down, my tootsie pops. Since our systems are metabolising the alcohol we’ve already had more slowly, less can feel like enough to keep a strong tipsy going, because even if we slow it down now, our body is still working on the alcohol already here.
8. While drinking at step 7, drink a liiiittle more water. It doesn’t have to be another glass. I am aware you will also be peeing a lot tonight. If you’ve had a lot of water tonight, I actually suggest that this really isn’t a full glass. Hydration is important, and if you feel dehydrated, go for a full glass of water. Otherwise, too much water can make your body stress a little. Water cannot completely compensate for all the alcohol, and this is something that I actually have to keep in mind too – water can only do so much, and too much is just that much more peeing with little assistance from nighttime self to morning self.
9. If you feel yourself getting truly drunk, or just tired, stop the alcohol. I mean it. You can drink and have fun and not be totally drunk. I promise it’s still fun, and you can still get wild. I also suggest a little more gatorade or water. Not a lot of either, but still.
10. Follow steps 5-9 of the Long Term Prep guide. Sleep and proper nutrition are key for the mornings, regardless of how much or little you drank or how well you know yourself.

Okay, lovelies!

That’s that. I know this is long, but I felt the need to go in detail with the reasons in each point. All of that is completely optional. I am also happy to post articles that back me up at anyone’s request.

I don’t know why I used the term tootsie pops earlier, but I dig it.

Party on, tootsie pops!